Home Culture & Wellness The Swipe Out: Let’s Get This Bread

The Swipe Out: Let’s Get This Bread


Written by Shamira James

Sometimes when things fall flat, it’s good to have a backup plan. You know: the backup plan, the fallback, the next best thing, the anything-but-plan-a. Not only is it a valuable life lesson, but it’s a good way to navigate through life.

When the commons main dish isn’t looking too hot but you’ve eaten cavern way too many times this week, don’t worry. You’re not doomed to eating whatever braised meat is the option tonight; you got options kids.

The first option is the pizza station. It’s easy and consistent, one cheese pizza, one pepperoni pizza and one speciality pizza that may or may not be whatever was for dinner the night before. Sometimes they even switch it up throw in a flatbread and things go from okay to gourmet! There’s cereal station, which always holds a special place in my heart. Cereal is quite literally the most underrated thing to eat. You never really realize the joy it brings you until your bowl-to-face slurping milk and rocking that milk mustache.There’s the salad station for all the skinnty queens and all my thicc legends when we wanna see how the other half lives. Don’t listen to people when they say ‘“it’s not a salad if your drown it ranch!”. If it’s got the greens, that’s good for me. Then finally, we have the end all be all of stations, the alpha and omega, the megalodon of the sea and of commons – THE SANDWICH STATION. Of course, while I love a good sammich, there are some grievances I have with our beloved haven of secondary options.

First off, whenever I hunker down to make a good cold cut for myself the last thing I want to see in the shiny red plastic bowl to my left are tortilla chips. Whenever, I look over and see those spotted things my heart aches. Don’t get me wrong, when the time and place is right. I love them – but that’s for queso, spinach dip or salsa, NOT SANDWICHES.

Next, who do I have to ask for refrigerated mayonnaise? Like, am I experiencing the worst Mandela Effect  or isn’t mayo supposed to be kept in the fridge? That’s rhetorical, of course it is. Instead, we get this weird color-coded pump box of mayo and it’s warm and creamy and BLEH – my stomach is curling just thinking about it.

Also, not to sound whiny (while I continue to whine) but it’s literally in the most inconvenient location. On any given day, you have to press your pelvis against the bar to let others pass by. Pepper in the fact that no one uses manners anymore, it can truly be a nightmare for any jaded senior who will HONEST TO GOD STRONG ARM THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN’T SAY EXCUSE I SWEAR.

But, what’s a girl to do? Beggars can’t be choosers and I do appreciate that we have so many options. If all we had were whatever was served on the steam tables every night, there’d be some night i’d be eating the good ol’ “air pie and nothin’ chops” – Mama James. So here’s me on my soapbox preaching to the masses once again, remember to be grateful.

P.S. Is there a way to get Wonder Bread? It’s truly the superior sandwich bread.