Written by Joseph Carrick
The weekly horrors of slowly but steadily dipping GPAs might be enough of a scare for some, but this Halloween a brave few are searching for a new type of horror – something more supernatural than irregular sleeping habits and highly caffeinated study sessions right before an exam. To these brave few this columnist asks two questions: “what are you on?” and (perhaps more importantly) “have you considered a haunted house?”
Roanoke College happens to have something more paralyzin than pop quizzes and more terrifying than learning that a skipped class took attendance that day: the ghosts haunting our very school. Now this is not referring to those drunken few who roam the halls late at night, although this initial confusion is understandable. However, those interested in real hauntings can travel to RC’s very own Monterey House and take a gander to the abandoned building in the rear.
Much in the spirit of the dilapidated Sections dorms, this building hasn’t seen a renovation possibly since it was built. Distant moaning, quiet whispers, and a feeling of existential dread fills the air, but B-A readers are all college students so these things aren’t particularly frightening. “I can handle the mould, it’s nothing new for me,” said sophomore Emily Winstead, “I am interested in the ghosts though. It’ll be nice see someone wail at 3am besides me over my Chem homework.”
However, what is frightening is what is seen, perhaps the very thing that fills millennials with horror: absolutely no wifi.
Those considering a quick adventure hesitate, and those preparing for all-night excursion stop in their tracks. No wifi? How will they survive? What if their favorite finsta has a relatable update or if Buzzfeed has an insight on what kind of bubble tea they’ll reincarnate as? Most importantly of all: how are these weary few supposed to spam their snapstory with superficial updates about their terrifying journey without wifi?
While traditionally haunted houses and cemeteries were the only “dead zones” available for thrill seekers, wifi dead zones are the perfect substitution. Now you don’t even have to leave your bed to start feeling that slow, creeping dread. “I thought it sounded fun, until you mentioned I can’t check my Twitter,” said @N0dramaplzzz, “ghosts from the past I can handle, they show up all the time in my DMs. But how am I supposed to passively lead them on without a night of wifi? Wait, don’t quote that.”
