Written by Zach “I Got Irish Heritage” Dalton
Well, well, well… here we are yet again, dear reader. Just you, me and a holiday fallen far from its original purpose. Some quick research will show you that the holiday was originally created to celebrate Ireland’s own Saint Patrick who is famously known for driving the snakes out of Ireland with a staff. Pretty baller stuff. Somehow from the origin to now, the holiday of St. Patrick’s Day has been twisted into an all-day drinkfest with A LOT of green dye. So, let’s talk about my favorite subject: rebranding the holiday.
I want to state that I have no problem with the way the holiday is celebrated now. I think there are a ton of cool festivals, traditions and activities to be done with St. Patrick’s Day, but for the sake of satire and making myself laugh I hate the holiday.
St. Patrick’s Day has become, as stated earlier, a day dedicated to just hammering back green brews and an excuse to wear green. The holiday should hold more meaning instead of being loosely based on some Irish stereotypes that have become popularized. After all not all Irish people wear green…some wear white or orange too. So, the first rebrand of St. Patty’s Day: add in orange and white to spice things up.
Now onto the drinking. We do not have to get rid of the drinking, that’s just silly, but I think there should be a challenge to make the drinks feel more like a reward. Facilities participating in the celebration could set up an “Irish Gauntlet” that requires participants to perform the tasks similar to those St. Patrick did. Some of these include: driving out the snakes from Ireland (mentioned earlier), healing the blind, stopping a well from overflowing and resurrecting the dead. Easy enough, right? If patrons can replicate at least three of these miracles mentioned above, they are rewarded with a green beer.
The last thing to do for St. Patty’s Day is to get rid of the leprechaun mascots. Leprechauns belong on cereal boxes not wreaking havoc in classrooms across America.