Written by Zach “Huge Discounts on the 15th” Dalton
Well, here we are. Another semester, another issue and another holiday on the horizon. Let’s talk about my all-time, very LEAST favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. This holiday is an absolute sham, and I’m not saying that because of the societal expectations put on people in relationships to buy their partner gifts and chocolates or that those who are single have to feel sad about being single. No, I dislike Valentine’s Day because it has the dumbest holiday mascot: Cupid. Here’s a dude, rolling around, shooting arrows at people, making them fall in love and stuff. On paper, he sounds like a total badass, but in actuality, he wears a diaper, looks like a man-child and shoots people in the butt. Nothing against any of those things, I just don’t trust Cupid.
My proposal for this holiday is simple: rebrand Cupid. Take this little baby-looking mascot and fit him into the modern age. Picture this, alright? The first thing to do is replace his bow with magic similar to that of Matilda that he shoots from his hands. Now, this new Cupid won’t go around aiming for people’s butts — instead he will aim for their heart, but not in the “kill you” kind of way. More like the “today, you will find love” kind of way. Finally, he will dress to the nines in a red suit, rolling around on the 14th making people fall in love. The key here though is it won’t be that instant “next person you see” crap, but rather a “you’ll meet your soulmate and slowly fall in love” type of deal. It’s more modern and makes for a good romcom. The question remains: Who will be the face of this new Cupid? The answer: Michael B. Jordan.
There you have it: Cupid 2.0. Next up: Leprechauns. Happy February, Maroons.