Home Opinion A Teetotalist’s Guide to Saint Paddy’s Day

A Teetotalist’s Guide to Saint Paddy’s Day


Written by Jasey Roberts 

I have come across a term that you don’t tend to see in everyday discourse but is nonetheless an important part of our everyday lives as college students.

It is called “teetotalism,” and it isn’t just a cute twenty-five cent word you can bust out during a particularly harrowing game of Scrabble. It’s an ideology that has been around since the early nineteenth century. Invented by older white gentlemen who attended exclusive Christian clubs called “temperance societies,” it generally means a consensual abstinence from alcohol, or, in other words, a designated driver from the time before automobiles.

Who would’ve thought: trying not to calcify your liver has been an ongoing ordeal for the human race for centuries. Now, to avoid incriminating myself, I want to just throw it out there that myself and most others who attend this fine institution are not yet of legal age, and that drinking under 21 is not acceptable on campus premises, or anywhere in this U.S. of A. for that matter.

That being said, if your friends were to go out drinking on Saint Patrick’s Day, this is a hypothetical guide on how not to end up face-hugging some porcelain on Tuesday.

First off, consider learning jiu-jitsu. This is not a joke. The Brazillian martial art of grappling and wrestling your opponents to the ground is a useful tactic when faced with someone cracking open a cold one in your sweet Christian face. No one, and I mean no one, should be able defile your innocence like that. Make them pay.

Secondly, find different ways to immerse yourself in Irish culture. This can range from reading the works of James Joyce, Samuel Beckett, and Flannery O’Connor, to cooking yourself a full Irish breakfast, complete with baked beans, mushrooms, and blood pudding. Be sure to do all of this while attending the party. This will deter any would-be sinners.

Lastly, ask yourself what Jesus would do. Saint Patrick’s Day is, after all, meant to be a celebration of the church’s presence in Ireland, and in his life Jesus stayed abstinent from all forms of alcohol. Whenever one of his disciples offered him a drink, the messiah would only ask for a frosty can of Bang Energy. He lived off of it.

Don’t look it up. Trust me on this.

In any case I hope this helps you sufficiently keep your purity intact. Stay strong, soldier. God’s watching.