Home Uncategorized SGA President Seen Deleting Emails, Stealing Brownies

SGA President Seen Deleting Emails, Stealing Brownies

Written by Joe Krzyston

In a turn of events that is drawing comparison to the scandals that rocked the Clinton campaign, SGA president Leah Weinstein (no relation) is facing charges relating to the deletion of emails, the sending of official emails on a private server and the theft of brownies from Commons in a quantity exceeding that which is allowed by law. Sources from the administration say that there’s a strong likelihood of an indictment in the coming weeks. 

Says a dean of the college, speaking under condition of anonymity, “Ms. Weinstein has operated in flagrant violation of the law for a long time now. We’ve all known it, but she’s the president, so it’s tough to pin anything to her. I think, frankly, that she’s finally gone too far. She’s pissed off a critical mass of her peers and colleagues, and it’s looking like we’re finally ready to take her down.”

Indeed, the scene has been described largely in historic terms, with one source saying the situation was similar to that on the Ides of March, 44 BC, when Julius Caesar was killed by his underlings in a collective fit of righteous indignation. When I asked him about the possibility of a more peaceful resolution, comparable to that which led to the signing of the Magna Carta by King John in 1215, he turned to me and laughed. After the chuckling died down, he told me that Ms. Weinstein had “made her bed, now she must lie in it. She paved her road to the top in the blood of her enemies. Hers is a debt payable only with vengeance.” 

The situation in general, and the prevalence of violent and oddly specific historical imagery in student government, has called into question the ability of SGA to function within the confines of civil society. Surely, though, the death of the organization was predicated by Ms. Weinstein’s lapse into amorality and Machiavellian ruthlessness. Among her well-known deceits is the constant theft of brownies in quantities greater than one at a time from Commons. Says a professor of philosophy, speaking anonymously, “This demonstrates an appreciable failure to appreciate and understand the deeper implications of her moral actions. The leadership here is totally untethered.”

When approached for interview, Ms. Weinstein did give a statement, but much of it is considered too obscene to print. (We’ve sent it to Vice, where these things tend not to matter so much, and even their editors were shocked and offended by the content of the statement.) The only words we can repeat are these that follow.

“Look, I’m the president, and I can do whatever I want!” she shouted at me, across a table, brandishing a massive log that I’m not entirely sure how she obtained in the confines of a conference room. “I have the power, I know what I’m doing, and let me tell you something, baby- I’m here to stay!”