Written by David Hall<\/p>\n
SALEM – Junior Emily Resume, announced on Tuesday that she is \u201cjust too darn busy for learning,\u201d in an unprecedented move that stunned both professors and peers alike.<\/p>\n
In a press release, Resume stated that the pressures from being in six organizations are just too much to actually receive the education that she is here to get. Readings from a French philosopher? Classes taught by experts in their field who\u2019ve worked for decades to get where they are now? Sorry, they\u2019ll just have to take a backseat.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s really just too much on my plate,\u201d said Resume while taking an interview during a class covering Oedipus Rex amongst other Greek works about human fallibility.. \u201cI mean, if I don\u2019t send this email in class about snack assignments for my pointless club\u2019s next meeting, the world will absolutely fall apart!\u201d<\/p>\n
Resume is the president of three organizations, the secretary for two, and the treasurer for one. As president of \u201cStudents for Perspective,\u201d she coordinates events that help ordinary students see beyond the trivial nonsense of their daily lives. She\u2019s also president of \u201cSome Weird Honors Society,\u201d whose website describes their mission as \u201cto foster, a more worldly, well rounded resume that\u2019s sure to knock the socks off of any dipshit grad school admissions counselor with a $20 bill nestled in their back pocket.\u201d With these responsibilities and more, Resume can\u2019t help but forget to do literally any actual learning.That\u2019s not all. According to Resume, these \u201cuseless\u201d studies won\u2019t even help her in the \u201creal world\u201d anyway.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m here to get a motherf$%#ing job, bro,\u201d said Resume. \u201cAnd I\u2019m pretty sure there\u2019s not a lot money in learning about the lost humanism in modernity or whatever. So why don\u2019t you just step off, eh?\u201d<\/p>\n Professor Claudia Archetype is an expert in Buddhism with a PhD from Duke, said she\u2019s not surprised by Resume\u2019s decision.<\/p>\n \u201cAt least she had the guts to say what all these other fakers have been thinking,\u201d said Archetype. \u201cYou know how many kids were playing solitaire in my class yesterday? 3. I went to school for 10 years to stand in front of these mouth breathers and they don\u2019t even have the courtesy to hold in their farts during our meditation exercises.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Written by David Hall SALEM – Junior Emily Resume, announced on Tuesday that she is \u201cjust too darn busy for learning,\u201d in an unprecedented move that stunned both professors and peers alike. In a press release, Resume stated that the pressures from being in six organizations are just too much to actually receive the education…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3463","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/brackety-ack.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3463","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/brackety-ack.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/brackety-ack.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brackety-ack.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brackety-ack.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3463"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/brackety-ack.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3463\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/brackety-ack.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3463"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brackety-ack.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3463"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/brackety-ack.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3463"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}